Hasn’t been a great deal of progress in recent days, been bearing my brunt of the office cold, and laughing at the thought of whether I can still be guilty of Man Flu anymore.
Largely, I’ve been exploring gender identities, in an effort to determine if any of the pre-described states of the gender spectrum fit with exactly how I am feeling. At a later date, I’ll write an entry about some of the more interesting identities I’ve discovered which don’t fully apply to me.
For now, however, I’ve determined that I am somewhere between Gender Fluid, exhibiting elements of different genders to suit a given situation (I do still exhibit masculine traits, though they usually only present themselves at the times I am least happy or calm, able to exert the least control over myself. When my Id is in full swing, and my Ego and Superego are flailing about like Eels in dry mud. Such as when I am angry, or trying to worm my way out of trouble or blame. Anyone who knows my Dad knows where I get these traits from, and why I would sooner they never presented themselves), and Demi-Girl/Boy, not feeling enough of either gender to fully commit to it, is my understanding. (No, that sounds dismissive, and not how I meant it. Not so much commit, but slot neatly into either definition. That’s better).
I would say that at this time, personality-wise, I have a 80-20 split of more typically female personality traits, and this is what is causing the dysphoria. I’m aware that a trait in and of itself has no gender, but I am referring to the gender imposed on it by society, which, fabricated or not, plays a big role in peoples understanding of the world, and must by taken into account, to live a harmonious.
It isn’t yet as physical as it was when I was younger, since my psyche stepped in and overrode the longing to change and be who I felt I was, but that too is starting to resurface. We will see how that develops as we move forward. I worry that making the full change now, at 26 or older rather than pre-puberty, and still having shoulders this broad, so defined a jawline, and being 6 foot 2, as a transfemale, would in the long run cause my mental health more harm than it would good, in my current state. Which in no way takes away from those who have made the change: you are beautiful and powerful, and I am envious of your magnificent courage to be who you are in the face of a fearful, unsympathetic world.
Also, as a matter of clarification, many people have thought, all throughout my development as a human, that I would grow up to be gay. This has lead to some stark confusion when I grew up and was not, remotely, gay; largely this is because they were reading an effeminate nature and assuming that this meant, gay. Not for one moment in a negative sense, or dreading the prospect, but simply misunderstanding what they were seeing.
This much has not changed. I may play around occasionally as though I am, because I’m a natural flirt and attention is nice, but I am not at all interested in Men sexually. Simply having a feminine personality, does not instantly mean, “suddenly likes the cock”. I am wholly attracted to women, femininity, the female form, body and mind.
If we’re getting technical, that largely, emotionally, makes me a Lesbian, which would, naturally, mean that I am gay from a certain point of view *cough*said Obi-Wan*cough*, but I digress into labels confusion and Star Wars reference territory and must stop there for another discussion.
So maybe I lied, that is quite a lot of progress. For two weeks.